Day One

I've been killing lots of bugs with my bare hands recently-- I think it's bad karma. But for some reason, there have been a great deal of small bugs in my room-- last week, I discovered a clan of ants pouring out of a hole in my ceiling, crawling down the edge of a poster, trailing down the side of my shelf. I blasted them with a large can of "Black Flag," but there are still occasional ants that crawl across my desk. I've gotten into the habit of just crushing them with my fingers, as though it's no big deal to be taking three lives a sitting.

I'm worried about karma at the moment because it seems to be the only thing that I have to count on. Today was my first day sitting down and really "planning" my move to Los Angeles. My plan? Go to Los Angeles, become a movie star. My reasoning? I've always wanted to. I haven't always admitted that desire, but when I was younger, I remember myself imagining myself answering questions on David Letterman. Hell, now, I imagine myself answering questions on David Letterman-- and I want to be in US Weekly-- I want to be chased by paparazzi, I want to be scrutinized about my weight so I can make a public statement empowering women. "A size 8 to 10 is NOT fat."

So- off to Los Angeles it is. I'm leaving on August 18th-- mark my words, it will happen. I've even planned to travel with my lovely friend Michele, who must be back in Boston by August 26th to continue getting a PhD in clinical psychology. I do not have a place to live. I do not have a concrete idea of what becoming a movie star entails, but I've committed myself to spending two full days a week "planning."

Today, I spent most of my day listening to myself hyperventilate. I woke up at 10:30, postponing my anxiety ever so slightly, and then spent most of my day doing the following things.
- Making a list.
- Sending three or four emails to people who currently live in Los Angeles in order to ask them questions about Los Angeles.
- Ordering a book off Amazon entitled, "Acting is Everything: An Actor's Guidebook for a Successful Career in Los Angeles."

I feel like I might die. I'm spending an incredible amount of time in planning limbo-- am I wasting my time by reading a book about acting? Am I just writing emails because it creates the illusion of taking action? Probably.

Oh yes, in true LA fashion, the other thing I did today was go to the gym. And I had the best workout I've had in weeks, because my heart was already racing as I pumped on the elliptical machine, trying to justify to myself why I've chosen to pursue acting instead of writing, as I listened to the refrain of a song overhead singing, "Love me, love me, love me, sex machine." Maybe I should be a writer.

For my second day, I plan to write a few more emails to a few more people, I plan to read some of my book that I ordered off of Amazon, and I plan to write a little bit-- write some video sketches perhaps, that I might be able to film and post on a website of sorts.

That's the most terrifying part though-- the writing part-- I'm very afraid of writing. I'm afraid of becoming absorbed in something and not finishing it. I'm sick with the possibility of becoming invested in something that I won't see through-- and I'm really quite frightened of writing something good and not knowing what to do with it, not having of sense of where to send it, where to put it, keeping it on my hard drive and maybe showing it to a friend. That is, I'm sure an unhealthy concern.

Alas, we all have our vices. Until next time,
the future Marilyn Monroe