I Join LA Casting

On February 4th, 2009, I went to my first audition in Los Angeles. Yes. That is correct. The first audition, other than my audition for my Groundlings Improv Class, which I eventually failed. Perhaps due to karma’s response to my decidedly bad attitude during the audition process. Perhaps because when I started an improvised scene, my teacher’s most frequent note for me was, “Don’t look like a deer in headlights.” Here’s another apt characterization: Toward the end of my six-week class, we did a somewhat catty exercise in which we did imitations of everyone else in the class. My impressionists stood very rigidly in front of the class and began to scream. Not everyone in the world of Groundlings Improv passes each level. So, for the fist time in my life, I was ordered to repeat a grade.

That is neither here nor there. I am, after all, planning to talk about my first real audition. Here’s how it happened. I came back to LA on January 4th, after a refreshing Christmas/New Year’s time in New Jersey, committed to fulfilling my New Year’s resolution, which was/is “Act.” In as many ways as possible. So, the way that one gets auditions in LA when one has no agent, no union membership, and relatively no resume is through a lovely little site called “LA Casting.”

For only $9.99 a month, $25 for my first uploaded headshot, and $10 for each additional headshot when added at the same time as original headshot, I am now the proud owner of an LA Casting profile. This consists of a heavily-retouched headshot of myself smiling, a less-retouched photo of myself asking the camera “what the fuck are you looking at?”, and a resume that tries its best to pump my community theatre experiences into robust credits. For example, if you are a friend of mine who happened to work with me on, say, an informal musical performance at the Wesley Foundation Student Methodist Chapel, congratulations! You are now a credited director of “Behold The Lamb of God, a Christmas Cantata.”

You can also find out my height (I added an inch), weight (I subtracted six pounds), and my bra, waist, and hip size (I tried to measure these using a tape measure, and then I made them up). I’m fairly certain that most people do this, because I often stumble upon profiles and headshots in which people (women) state that they are 5’10’’ and 102 pounds. That’s pretty much physiologically impossible, and in their photos, these women rarely look like they have terminal illnesses. If you’re going to lie about how tall and thin you are, you have to be smart enough to know how thin is too thin. Like literally, too thin to make any sense.

Anyway, if you’re curious, you can see my LA Casting Profile at
www.lacasting.com/madelinewalter .

All I ask is that you refrain from ridiculing me too much…because the thing about LA casting is that this profile is what gets me in the door to an audition. Any audition. Every day, I get about 30 emails notifying me of auditions that fit my demographic, which is “Caucasian Female, 18-30.”

Some of these roles are somewhat appropriate for me:
Louisa in “Sex, Relationships,and Sometimes...Love”- Lead - Female / 25 to 50 / All Ethnicities - This part is a jewish Lesbian who has breast cancer, she is from Brooklyn and through it all has an enormous sense of Humor.

Some of them are stretches:
Booty Girl in “Hip Hop Video”- Featured Female / 18 to 24 / All Ethnicities - Prominently featured. Must be a strong/confident hip-hop dancer. Sexy. Willing to wear GoGo style outfit.

Many of them are mildly degrading toward women:
The Slut in “Phone Sex Grandma”- Supporting - Female / 25 to 40 / All Ethnicities - The small-town local town slut

Some of them are clearly scams:
Variety Acts - Guest-Star - Male or Female / 10 to 50 / All Ethnicities -We are looking for great talent here. Do you sing? Dance? Act? Tell a a good joke? Have great songwriting skills? Able to bust a move or rap? If you think you have what it takes, then we want to hear from you! PLEASE LET US KNOW YOUR TALENT IN YOUR SUBMISSION!

Some of them are clearly porn:
Nymphs in “The Plunge of Icarus”- Featured Female / 22 to 29 / African Am, AfricanAm, Asian, Caucasian, East-In, East-Ind, Middle-East, MidEastern, Mixed - The nymphs are all presented in extreme body paints/nude with masks and elaborate headresses and jewelry. (Must be legally 18 and older to participate) Nudity (in body paints) with simulated sex in surreal orgy scene(s). Will consider male partner/spouse/associate (on approval) for photo model partner on camera (submit photo also). Minimal shoot days - estimating 1 day

Some of them are incredibly eye-opening:
Twins in “Weight Loss Drug Ad” - Guest-Star Female / 20 to 65 / All Ethnicities - I am looking for real identical twins! One must be obviously heavier than the other...this is for our "before and afters" of our product. This is a wieght loss product...so the twins must look like the same person..just after shedding the extra weight.

And I submit for nearly all of them. Other than auditions calling for nudity, an "androgenous physical build," or a "booty girl," I submit, based on the philosphy that now is my time to say yes to everything, to take it all in, use it all as a learning experience, to keep buying small lottery tickets from the universe, because you never know when it's your time. I didn't come here to be a snob. I came here to start at the bottom of a ladder that I've always wanted to climb. And sometimes, fate requires you to submit yourself as a "jewish lesbian with breast cancer." Sometimes.

Until next time,
NOT the small-town-slut in "Phone Sex Grandma"